I am so afraid to tell you how I trust because, I don’t trust well. Not yet at least.
I am learning to trust better and I am learning to trust up and I am learning to trust myself. And gosh, I am re-learning to trust my husband.
It’s heavy, it’s deep and honestly, it’s kind of a secret.
My global-self straps on a little black dress of self confidence, trust in everyone and grit enough to know when I am being taken advantage of.
My local-self lounges in pajamas of self doubt and trust in negativity and complete cluelessness.
To put it simply, I act one way and feel a different way.
Hi, my name is Ria and I am a hypocrite.
But, I don’t want be. I am confessing my sins and I am ready to do the meetings and self assess. I want to get that medal; you know the kind you get when you have over come an addiction?
I am addicted to trusting the bad, and I know that trusting the good is my antidote.
Let me explain: my dear friend is coming for a visit and we decided to do a Bali trip, just us. When we had first made these plans, I was so excited.
But have you ever tried picking a holiday package to Bali? Expedia gives you twenty five pages of options- room, villa, pool, no pool, noise, less noise…the list goes on. I had 50 tabs open on my computer, several text messages of advice on my phone, hundreds of trip advisor reviews memorized and NOT ONE decision made.
Because I only trust the bad reviews.
Let’s break it down.
On one hotel, 1,130 people had reviewed it. Out of those, 1,110 were amazing, 9 were okay, and 11 were bad.
My (computer) mouse ran through the maze like a cat was chasing it and hid under the 11 bad reviews. It set up camp and invited friends over. Doubt came, frustration brought flowers and hesitation stayed the night.
A pattern emerged. How did I completely believe 11 people who had a bad experience, but not over a 1000 people who would return over and over again?
Did I do this with people? Do I sit down to read all the worst reviews on them, but merely skim over the good? Do I trust the negative, but mistrust the positive?
Is this what had happened in my marriage?
You see, my darling husband had made a promise to me before we got married. It was a private promise of a worldly matter. And although he tried his very best, the promise was not fulfilled. Our first year of marriage was hard and a lot of it had to do with me not being able to trust him because he didn’t follow through on that one promise. Seriously? He followed through on a million other promises and I still held on to that one negative from way back when and that is who I chose to believe he was.
For lack of a better term,
it I was just silly.
So, I have decided to rewrite my pattern. To re-teach myself a new way of trust. This is my new mantra and this is how I am going to earn my medal.
These are the days for change
These are the days for brave
These are the days for trust and the ways of faith.
I will trust the best of you and love the worst of you.
I will ask for forgiveness and forgive myself.
I will trust the bright and the beautiful; your word and your action.
I will loosen my expectations and hold your hand tighter.
I will wear my little black dress at home.
I might even wear heels.
Friends, is trust hard for you? Does your global girl match your local girl? Who do you need to trust a little more?