Has someone vital to your sense of feeling safe and secure in life ever left you?
I can hear many of you whisper… Yes.
Perhaps a father, a mother, a partner, a sister, a brother, a grandmother, a friend… you know who they are.
Something happened, an incident, a time, when this significant person for you was no longer present for you.
This happened to me when I was a young child – my father was no longer in my life because our new family (with my new kind step-father) had moved to the other side of the world… It all happened very quick it seemed at the time.
For me, someone very important, nice, kind, my father – that man – was no longer there and I couldn’t explain it, and couldn’t question it, and couldn’t even tell you exactly how I felt and what its impact was at the time – but there was a ‘shift’ in me as a little girl.
What I can tell you now as a big girl and looking back, is that I have observed in myself over many many years since this incident, mostly subconsciously, my need and desire to build a secure, solid home, and have loyal and faithful family, friendships and work colleagues.
So, when things aren’t rosey in the family particularly, or when people are disloyal and push me aside, or the home dynamics are changing (older kids moving out), or close friends are disloyal… anykind of significant shift in the sands of my critical relationships… I feel it, and know that this is a little insecure place in me that might need some support for a while.
We are complex aren’t we, and individually complex!
My story is not new, or unfamiliar. I am sure many of you will be able to relate to this, but how you have managed and outplayed its impact on you will look very different to everyone else.
If you know that this is a potential place of insecurity for you, this is what I have learnt and attempted to embed in my life to support me:
Be honest with yourself and perhaps others involved… about how the significant person’s sudden absence, or lack of involvement in your life affected you.
Be kind to yourself… because this may have been a highly traumatic event.
Be open for yourself… by talking to a professional and good friends, so they can help you heal and manage this place of insecurity better and well for yourself, your family, friends and colleagues.
We can’t change the past, but we can influence how our past impacts us today.
So, if you are feeling insecure? Be honest, be kind and be open to do things differently.
I have also found that sometimes our weakest spot can become our greatest gift to others.
PS: By the way, I found my father after 20 years of no contact or even speaking his name… that is another story for another day.